Sportsocracy - 28th edition - It's the final countdown diddle doo doo, diddle dee dee dee

To kick off on a small downer Gary Coleman is dead R.I.P to him.

I heard after a re-assessment into Colemans death by coroners they all came to the same conclusion.....he died of a dif'rent stroke.

God bless Coleman, for now we will never know what Willis was talkin' bowt.

From Coleman to goals man. The world cup is round the corner, it's so close you can taste it.

On friday the 11th of June at 3pm, as South Africa kick off against Mexico in J-burg, remember those South Africans removed, without notice, from their houses for the stadium to be built.

Thats right, poor souls removed from their metal corrigated huts and homes. Not much to us but it was home to them.

These souls have been moved to the outskirts of the city. To the hillside that looks down towards the stadium, so the tourists won't see the real problems that the world cup has caused. Forced homeless-ness and poverty.

No running water, no toilets, no real source of food and barely a roof over their heads. It's a dire situation that people should know about.

Bafana, bafana the crowd will shout teams will score they'll jump about but remember the forced-to-be-homeless souls of South Africa with a world of doubt.

Sportsocracy - 26th edition - The league season ends....THE WORLD CUP IS NIGH

Here it finally is the major european leagues are coming to a close.

Those weekend widows will be grimaceing as they get their husbands back from the abyss for a few short weeks, possible divorce season begins as they get their husbands back for the weekends and weekday evenings and with no football to gaze upon they turn to point scoring with the wife.

Slanging chant matches like this will reign supreme:-

Husband; "Bitch...your shit and you know you are your shit and you know you are..."

Wife; "When your suitcased clothes hit the floor, and your arse hits the door, you're a goner."

Well football widows, have I got some great news, in this over attentive time where you find your other half depressed and watching you, expecting you to overhead kick his rolled up socks, well don't worry the world cup will be here very soon and you will be free widows again.

World Cup time will soon be here and here is my tipster, betters betting guide to filling your pockets with moolah, or as that ugly, genital wartfaced, muddled, mump cheeked twat on the advert says 'wonga'.

Things you can bet your house on -

- The winner of the golden boot will score over 4 goals.

- A form of hooliganism will happen, hopefully to thierry henrys cheating bastard arms.

- Some c**t in face paint will appear in a VT in the warm up or highlight real of any match televised.

- David Pleat and his obvious shit face crap one liners will turn up at somepoint making us want to self harm at the abuse he gets away with. Pleatism "And I 't' think brazil play 't' great football". Tell us something new you geriatric quiffed cock fringe.

- A commentator will give us facts on how great England played in 1966. Change the fucking record from side 'A' clichè to side 'B' How not to overrate ourselves.

- An historic war of nations will be mentioned in the tabloids to hype up a match.

- Somebody will mention a number of safety messages including South African HIV statistics....presumably more than once to serial cocksmiths John Terry and Ashley Cole.

- A number of cliché south african locality headlines may appear 'Cape-llo', 'Joe cole-hesburg' etc.

- A world class player will have an awful tournament.

Get your pockets ready to be filled.

Until next time. Nicht nicht.

Sportsocracy - 21st edition - Heel not make it.

Wim, wam, bam and it is all over for Beckham.

That's it, capoot and for those of you who have been living in caves playing with your handycam, having fractioned thoughts of jihad or in the bushes at clapham common waiting for a very questionably leather clad affeminate male to approach you, i am on about David Beckham and the injury that has put him out of the world cup this summer.

Like a very curly haired man once said (for a band named after a very large betamax video player the size of a truck) Toploader, "Dancing in the moonlight everybodies feelin' warm and bright." In this case that has got f*** all to do with this, cos Becks wont be dancing for a long while, it's the other song that is out right appropriate, "My achilles heel...".

Yep Becks has knackered his achilles. Was it only me who thought any bird with her legs open was Becks achilles heel? If thats the case every time the Beckhams visit chester zoo, the night before they arrive, the Ornathalogical section is locked up by the staff like f***ing fort knox in the case scenario that Becks has the horn.

In all fairness he is a decent player, never a world class all rounder but has a world class delivery. It is time he let the raw talent take the england right midfield roll. He should retire and focus on something he may be good at like horse whispering, well hes had enough practise with posh. His next step should be to tame madonna because that one is a wild, harridon of a stray if he saddles that and whips its ass I think he would deserve a knighthood. Beckham the horse whisperer, i'm telling you neigh lies its the tr-hoof he would be great at it.