Sportsocracy - 23rd edition - Catalan got your tongue? well nevermind the basque-cocks

The build up worked it up; what a spectacle, a fantabulous event, at the pinnacle of the sport, "This could be the closest thing we could come to seeing artwork on a football pitch" said Gunners gaffer Arsene Wenger.

Arsenal versus Barça at the Emirates. The collosal, carefree, freeflowing footballing Catalan kings took to the pitch against the audacious, fluent, all passing, entertaining, exocets Arsenal.

The build up focussed on Barça the magic of Lionel Messi, with 8 goals in the 3 previous matches to this, he was "On fire" and "ready to gun down" the gunners, according to some red top news outlets.

Arsenal, meanwhile had William "Lacking match experience since coming back from injury" Gallas returning and also Cesc "Gunners fans lay alot of our hope and prayers on you" Fabregas back in the squad.

The match started, Barça dominated the ball possession and rarely lost the ball. When they did they tracked back or pressured the gunners and retained the ball immediately.

The first 20 minutes was about Barças attacking play against Manuel Almunia and the last ditch tackling of the Arsenal defence. Almunia made a string of world class saves, tipping wide a low early shot from Pedro and also a gilted chance for Xavi that Almunia saved at point blank range.

Messi also had a fierce shot at Almunia's goal, but it was comfortably collected. Arshavin then limped off early and on came Eboue. Arsenals most memorable chance of the first half came from a clever Samir Nasri shimmy at the left corner of the Barça box, but his shot flashed just wide of the far post.

Unbelievably the teams went in 0-0 at half time. This was the most entertaining first half of football I had seen since Martin O'Neils Celtic team pummelled rangers 6-2 (Back in the good old days when we had ghod, Henrik Larsson to rely on).

The 2nd half began. Gerard "Why did man u let him go" Pique played in Zlatan "Whos he? said david pleat" Ibrahimovic, who beat the Arsenal offside trap down the inside right channel, left Alexandre "better than Rigobert" Song for dead and lobbed the ball over the dispositioned Manuel "Jekyl and Hyde" Almunia.

That was Zlatans first goal against an English side in the champions league. He seemed "...so delighted, it was like ABBA winning eurovision all over again" allegedly said some swedish guy in the crowd, sven? Probably but not definately.

Well Zlatan went and did it again, scoring emphatically from the same channel, lashing the ball into the roof of the net leaving the 2nd half, not so world class Almunia statue-esque.

Arsenal looked out of it and Arsene looked ferociously concerned. Fabregas and Pique, for Arsenal and Barça respectively, received yellow cards putting them out of the next leg.

Wenger then played a wild card sub, Bacari Sagna off and Theo Walcott on. The dominating Barça even though attacking at a world class level, Wenger still spotted a weak jink in the catalans armour, left back Maxwell. Walcott went right midfield to go toe to toe with Maxwell with Eboue dropping to the Arsenal right back slot.

Theo, with England boss, Capello watching, began to tear into Maxwell. The Brazilian left back could not cope with Walcotts electric pace. It was only a matter of time before Theo broke free.

Nicholas "I'm going to be a danish prince" Bendtner played a through ball that past Maxwell in the right channel and like a rocket Walcott raced onto the ball and into the box and fired a low angled, placed shot to Valdes' right side and it crept under his palm and into the net.

Game on. Arsenal back in it at 2-1 down. Barça boss Sep Guardiola then brought on Thierry Henry to a rapturous applause, with Zlatan going off.

Barça then tried to retain the ball but wasted what possession they had, with no end product. Then the turning point Arsenal countered and broke free down the right flank Walcott and Eboue linked up and the ball went into the Barça box. Bendtner, just inside the centre of the 8 yard box, unmarked, cushioned a header to the well positioned Fabregas who was about to unleash a close range right footed volley but was felled by a rash Puyol challenge.

Penalty to Arsenal and Puyol sent off. Up stepped Cesc Fabregas to change the match. He dispatched the penalty injuring himself in the process. The fight back was complete 2-2. Cesc then played out the match for Arsenal limping until the final whistle. Final score of the first leg 2-2.

Key points - Messi was contained and kept quiet for the 90 as well, so congratulations to Arsenal on that. No Puyol or Pique for Barça in the 2nd leg and no Fabregas for Arsenal. Arsenal need a goal at the Nou Camp in the next leg, can they do it without Cesc?

The winner of the 2nd leg will be the immediate favourites to win the competition.

Sportsocracy - 22nd edition - Ch ch changes

Finally the Celtic board saw sense and got rid of Tony Mowbray. He was put up with for a long time by some fans whilst others just did not bother going to Celtic Park to watch the team play. Probably in protest to the fact he turned us into the defensively leaky West Brom outfit he led to relegation in the English Premier League.

Neil Lennon, now at the managerial helm at paradise, kicked off his reign with a pleasing 3-1 victory over Kilmarnock. The goals coming via a Robbie Keane brace and Scott Brown effort.

After the blood bath at St Mirren on wednesday night gone, any positive result would have been accepted with open arms by the Bhoys today. Long live the reign of Lennie, thats if the board don't find a cheaper waged manager. C'est la vie on Mowbrays era now it is time to look onward to a successful end to the Celts season.

In other football news, Arsenal drew with Birmingham 1-1, Nasri scoring for the Gunners and Kevin Phillips scoring a late stoppage time equiliser. Chelsea beat Aston Villa 7-1 with Lampard getting 4. Its amazing what Christine Bleakley can do to your form.

Sportsocracy - 19th edition - Bendtner a load of Arsenal?

The last dane I saw who missed the spot was not in the big brother house recently with alex reid. It is Nicholas Bendtner who I am talking about, after he missed numerous chances against Burnley at the weekend, he must have felt like the niche market Pele was aiming at with his very memorable male genitalia dysfunction adverts.

He came back against Porto with a hatrick, who would have believed it, Gunners gaffer Arsene Wenger must have gave him some fire in his belly, or some verbal viagra to get him going again. Arsenal hammered Porto 5-0 and went through 6-1 on aggregate thanks to Bendtner, Eboue and co.

Just when Arsenal fans where starting to become frustrated with a front-line who have been constantly undermined by a mass goalscoring midfield, up pops the spikey haired party boy to give them something to cheer about but what has happened to Eduardo?. Ever since he took that "Trip" at Celtic park in the champions league qualifiers he has become some what invisible. With that quality under his belt maybe he has gone to audition for the next fantastic 4 movie? Who knows?.

So it is Arsenal through and Bayern Munich through as the German giants went through on away goals against Fiorentina. Its the quarter finals that now await the two sides.

The 'biggie', Hollywood encounter in the champions league is Man United versus AC Milan. Beckham returns to Old Trafford for a competitive match for the first time since he left. Its good that Posh lets him out to play football now and again but he does have to leave when he is called in by Posh for his tea though.

I forgot to mention Tiger Woods apology to us and the world media as well. You would have thought with Mr Verile spreading it around a bit they would took a punt on asking him if hes interested in impregnanting a panda or two. Would have been worth a punt because I'm sure the pandas are getting sick of Dean Gaffney being thrown in with them. The Gaffs face is enough to put anybody off the 'jumping' for life.

The Formula 1 season is nigh. With Schumacher, Button, Hamilton and Alonso all racing it out to be the world champion, with racing in mind, recently racing legend Stirling Moss had an accident when he fell down a shaft, first Max Mosely, now this. Poor Stirling broke both ankles so we wish him 'well'.

...and finally ending with the Rugby news.

It's still shit.

See you next time for another spacious spatula full of sportive shittery. Ciao.