Sportsocracy - 20th edition - Reds pump AC

AC Milan have had a total nightmare at the theatre of dreams tonight.

Man United ran rampant, 4-0 on the night with a Rooney brace, a Park Ji Sung slider and a point blank range head from Fletcher.

I have never seen a thumping like this since that Polish bloke punched Leona Lewis, keep bleeding indeed. Brazilian, AC gaffer and ex-midfield ace, Leonardo, looked dejected at the final whistle. Well what do you expect when AC fuhrer Silvio Berlusconi lubes up his team sheet before every match and f***s it up?

At least AC and Man U fans had the grace and gratitude for David Beckham on the night, he came on to a great reception from the whole ground and did ok. He also received a rapturous applause at the final whistle as he sported a Newton Heath, trademark original green and yellow scarf. He put it around his neck as he left the pitch showing support for the Glazers out brigade.

I understand Man Uniteds pain with the Glazers. All them bastard sales calls all the time. I just say me windows are fine so feck off.

Spend, spend, spend and still no champions league crown. Yes thats right Real Madrid are out of the champions league. Lyon go through to the quarters. Real, with recent transfers have nearly spent more money than what Bill Gates has in pocket change. They deserve it to be honest and it just shows money doesn't buy you success. Maybe Ronaldo will be effing and blinding wishing he never left Old Trafford. I personally don't care much for him but gladly cheer him on when he plays against england. So until you play england Ronaldo, its a big HAHA to you.

In other sports news some old folks played bowls and the Deepdale Catheters beat the Lea Loose Bowels, they now go on to face the Callon Conservative Constipationers. Local sports, a lad kicked a can down his street scoring a double hat trick in a world cup final and finally some middle aged balded men rode some motorbikes on a sunday. Great two wheeled times when your in a crisis, especially when its midlife.

Not forgetting a word from our sponsors. Mud, men, sweat, tears, blood, bad backs, scrums, mauls, misplaced loofahs, moans, groans and lots of vaseline. Did you know Rugby now accepts heterosexual men as well.

Sportsocracy - 19th edition - Bendtner a load of Arsenal?

The last dane I saw who missed the spot was not in the big brother house recently with alex reid. It is Nicholas Bendtner who I am talking about, after he missed numerous chances against Burnley at the weekend, he must have felt like the niche market Pele was aiming at with his very memorable male genitalia dysfunction adverts.

He came back against Porto with a hatrick, who would have believed it, Gunners gaffer Arsene Wenger must have gave him some fire in his belly, or some verbal viagra to get him going again. Arsenal hammered Porto 5-0 and went through 6-1 on aggregate thanks to Bendtner, Eboue and co.

Just when Arsenal fans where starting to become frustrated with a front-line who have been constantly undermined by a mass goalscoring midfield, up pops the spikey haired party boy to give them something to cheer about but what has happened to Eduardo?. Ever since he took that "Trip" at Celtic park in the champions league qualifiers he has become some what invisible. With that quality under his belt maybe he has gone to audition for the next fantastic 4 movie? Who knows?.

So it is Arsenal through and Bayern Munich through as the German giants went through on away goals against Fiorentina. Its the quarter finals that now await the two sides.

The 'biggie', Hollywood encounter in the champions league is Man United versus AC Milan. Beckham returns to Old Trafford for a competitive match for the first time since he left. Its good that Posh lets him out to play football now and again but he does have to leave when he is called in by Posh for his tea though.

I forgot to mention Tiger Woods apology to us and the world media as well. You would have thought with Mr Verile spreading it around a bit they would took a punt on asking him if hes interested in impregnanting a panda or two. Would have been worth a punt because I'm sure the pandas are getting sick of Dean Gaffney being thrown in with them. The Gaffs face is enough to put anybody off the 'jumping' for life.

The Formula 1 season is nigh. With Schumacher, Button, Hamilton and Alonso all racing it out to be the world champion, with racing in mind, recently racing legend Stirling Moss had an accident when he fell down a shaft, first Max Mosely, now this. Poor Stirling broke both ankles so we wish him 'well'.

...and finally ending with the Rugby news.

It's still shit.

See you next time for another spacious spatula full of sportive shittery. Ciao.